I don't want to get married until I'm much older, but I've already got the song I want to walk down the aisle to picked out. I even know what cue the bridesmaids, flower girl, and I will enter on...
Because I cried. I remember the other girls never cried. They ignored it when their toe nails fell off and when the blisters popped. They ignored the stench in their pointe shoes from all of the pus and blood. I didn't ignore it. I remember when my company performed at Six Flags in Chicago. We practiced all summer, it was my first intense performance en pointe. We had practice every day, but Tama didn't think that was enough so in the five or so days before we practiced for over 20 hours, all en pointe. My toes were blistered and they hurt. I had one toenail that was only half grown in still from the summer before when I made my round with the Ballet of Chicago. I couldn't ignore the pain. When I stepped into relevé and felt that instant pressure, the layers of burlap like knives cutting into my blisters and cracking them open, I couldn't do it. When we finally did perform I cried the whole time I danced. Maybe I lacked that passion for it, maybe I was just too soft, but no one else cried. They were in the same pain I was but they danced through it and looked down on me because I couldn't. Ballet was the best and worst experience of my life, but that's for another blog. 
Once again, here I am, watching evening stretching into night and surely eventually into morning. And not in the fun out with my friends having a good time way, I mean in the I have a final tomorrow and I need to study way. And in a slightly annoyed way. But oh well, seems pretty standard at this point. 
Updated my music today! The best part is I actually found my favorite version of Pennies From Heaven by good ol' Louis Armstrong! It just makes me so happy, it's the kind of song where when people listen to it you want them to think of you, you want it to remind them of you : )
Rancid butter and feces. Yuuuuummmmmmyyyyyyy...
Here I am at 6:30 a.m. awake and writing a paper on different views of feminism in post WWII era America. And for you I have a little ditty by probably the only music group that I've consistently loved since always. Or at least since Swing Swing.Enjoy!
I love my school. MC isn't at all what I expected but it's a great fit for me and it's been wonderful in exposing me to new ideas and helping me to cultivate my beliefs and find firm foundations for them. But after the class today that resulted in my frustration my friend likened being conservative at MC to being black; lacking support, being that token person people can point to and say "See, that's why we're right and they're wrong", and dealing with a privileged group that is blind to their privilege. I'm really glad almost no one reads this blog because I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that's fairly racist, but it feels accurate. In class today we got on a discussion about how MC reacts to conservative students. A few other classmates spoke out before I did, all sharing my opinion. Eventually I said a few things, shared some of my experiences from my freshman year with a few very liberal students and how I felt they were really rude and not at all open to even considering my ideas as even being valid opinions, which is saying something because I'm not even all that conservative. In one of my comments I mentioned that I didn't know MC was so liberal when I made the decision to come here. Another girl in class whom I had previously always respected responded to something I said, and she was so rude, I was so surprised. She said something about how we just didn't try hard enough and it was our fault we didn't have groups on campus, even thought right before a girl had said she tried to start a MC Republicans group and couldn't find a professor to sponsor them so they had to disband. Then she looked at me and said "You guys are from Indiana and are just used to being the majority and thinking that you're the norm. And didn't you even read the mission statement? How could you not know that MC was liberal?" I didn't say anything. The sad part is that I know after saying what I felt half of the students in that class lowered their opinions of me immediately. I fully expect that when I see them in hallways and on the mall they will lower their heads and determinedly not return my smile or "hello". That girl has no idea that I'm from the Region which is certainly not conservative, that two of my best friends in high school were gay, and that I chose MC for the academic quality and couldn't have cared less about the mission statement. I don't remember the last time I was so frustrated. If anything the conversation just further cemented the things I already believed.
...Sitting down next to the intensely annoying freshman in my Poly Sci class who spends the entire period playing on his little MacBook and then pulling out my Grand Kahuna of a computer, the MacBook Pro, and watching his little beady eyes tense up in jealousy. Suck on it annoying computer boy, you may have have a Mac but you still loooooooooose. MUAHAHAHA! 
Today has been lovely, and tonight will be lovely still. It has literally snowed all day. I woke up to pure white loveliness. Currently I'm cuddled up in a down blanket listening to Frank Sinatra croon Winter Wonderland and watching the snow fall and create its own blanket over my little campus. I know finals are the week after next and I should be reading for poly sci or history but instead I'm contemplating picking up Henry James' Portrait of a Lady or better yet the Wind in the Willows. I remember my grandma reading that to me when I was a little girl and I mentioned it on a trip to Barnes and Noble with the BF, low and behold it came to me for Valentines Day last year : ) I'm currently feeling unbelievably blessed and happy. The Christmas spirit has cracked into me and caught hold.
My first 400 level history class is a tutorial on Recent American History that I have with two other students and one of my favorite professors. The professor is brilliant and everything she says is fascinating even if at times she does lack a certain polish in her lectures but this past Monday the last part of our discussion was so interesting. We were talking about the depression in the 80s and how it tied in to other depressions, the most known being the 30s and currently. We were pulled out of the Great Depression by WWII and the intense government spending that happened after plus the fact that most of the rest of world had been flattened into a pancake from the war. Those investments kept our economy soaring high until the later 70s and 80s when it finally lost its steam and the rest of the world rebuilt itself. We sunk into depression once again. What pulled us out this time was the computer revolution and that we had the technology before the rest of the world. Once again the economy soared and throughout the 90s things were good. Now we're sinking again. The push afforded to us by the computer revolution has run out and everyone else has caught up. The moral of the story is that dating back to the 1700s every time we have had a depression something has pulled us out, the industrial revolution, war, technological advances and so on. So what is going to pull is out of this one and how long will it take? Will it be new technology, or will it be war?
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